Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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