i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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