Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
