the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
