i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
