Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
