He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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