Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
