Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
