Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
