o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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