im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
