just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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