I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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