I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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