nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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