this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
