I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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