I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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