just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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