he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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