If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
this hospital has no fireball
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
