We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
