one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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