Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
