Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
