Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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