So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
