Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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