So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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