just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
