the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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