There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize