If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
