I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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