3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm sobbing to NWA
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
