Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
