Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
