I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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