What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
