2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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