Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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