I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
