you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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