Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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