woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
