Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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