Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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