I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Less talking, more tequila
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
