I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
