my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
