I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
