Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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