why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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