I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
