So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
