Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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