i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
This baby is an asshole
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
How does one acquire holy water?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize