i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
