whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
