Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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