I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
